This is the second email someone sent me from Peloton CEO and Founder John Foley. Both seem much longer than they need to be. The first paragraph muses on the company success, and the second paragraph introduces the main point—the Peloton Tread. Essentially, this is a sales pitch.

CEO and Founder John Foley organizes the email around three advantages of the Peloton Tread, which are clear and easy to follow. He could use more “you” language to focus on benefits to the reader rather than features of the product. Persuasive business writing tells readers “why” they should want to do what the writer asks.

If you were advising John Foley, what other advice would you offer? Would visuals help the message? How could he reduce the length of the email to increase the chance that people will read it? Read the entire message.

Hi there,

‌When we founded Peloton nearly a decade ago, we dreamt of bringing high-energy boutique fitness experiences into the home through vertically integrated platforms. That’s a fancy way of saying that we wanted the hardware to be the best in the world, the software to bring the energy and connection of other people into your home, and the content to deliver the inspiration of the most motivating instructors coaching over the best music. I hope you agree that we deliver on that goal already, but I hope you also see that we continue to innovate on the software and content because we always want your experience to get better, a commitment that I made to you back then and I am making to you again today…

‌But today, I write to you about another platform: The Peloton Tread. Have you ever taken a bootcamp class or a HIIT total body group class or any class involving a treadmill, where the instructor asked you to step off of the treadmill for a more full-body workout? As one of the founders of Peloton, I of course LOVE a great indoor cycling class! As you might guess, so does my wife Jill. But we have found over the years that complementing the fantastic cardio provided by the Peloton App with cardio AND strength training via bootcamp classes is a perfect new part of our fitness journey.

‌So I wanted to take a minute to share my excitement for the Peloton Tread with you.